7 Years

This is the new no 1 on the Aria Charts it’s been on the radio here in Aus for a while now it’s grown on me and has made me think about my childhood I know I have said before that my life changed at 7 years old because my parents became foster parents (this post is going to be hard for me so bare with me please) I have talked about the abuse I endured before there is more to talk about and here we go (deep breath).

Once I was 7 years old we got our first foster child a 14 year old boy who had been sexually abused (I didn’t know this at the time and back then no one talked about sex and how your body is yours and if someone tries to touch you you go and tell an adult) Well this 14 year old boy tried to touch and kiss me and wanted to watch me shower which was really creepy and he scared me several times he tried I would just run away and I had to get sneaky and shower when he would go motor bike riding with my brothers he said if you tell anyone you will be in big trouble which is all part of grooming(I now know this).

I remember mum and dad going out to a party I was so scared something would happen that I made myself sick to try and get mum and dad to stay home I was aware I was being watched closely by the 14 year old boy and couldn’t say anything mum and dad left told my brothers to look after me and call if I got worse lucky my brothers were home I ran to them and spent the night with them until mum and dad came home.

I was lucky(one of the reasons I titled my blog Lucky) because the 14 year old boy was only with us for 3 months and I know it could have been a lot worse and as an adult who has studied all different types of abuse and how to recognize when children have been abused as part of my job as an early childhood educator and have made that my passion to make sure no child goes through what this young boy had and then to groom others which is what I now know that’s what he was trying to do to me.

I’m grateful I have a computer and can finally express myself I told my parents when I was 18 because that boy visited my dad at his shop and that bought all the emotions back and made me freeze and I couldn’t eat my dinner they knew something was wrong with me cause I always ate my dinner they had no idea and said they were sorry that they put me in that situation I tried therapy but that just made me angry and I rebelled turned to alcohol, marijuana, smoking cigarettes and was sexually promiscuous (but was always safe using protection I still had morals and values somehow) I was in self destruct mode it took me to get sick with my allergy to antibiotics at 21 years old which nearly killed me to realize what I was doing to myself and the fact I wasn’t to do those things (except sex but can’t get pregnant) anymore due to my liver being damaged which thankfully healed itself I turned my life around got a job at a childcare center and studied and met the man of my dreams 5 years later.

Now that I have let that all out I need to escape reality so will listen to music and play video games for the rest of the day.

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Never Be Like You

This is the new No 1 on the Aria Charts and Flume is Australian it’s a nice, beautiful, lovely and yet sad song. It makes me think about parents who want their children to be a certain thing like a Gardener (my mother loves gardening and I hate it) or firefighter (my man’s dad was one when he was younger) and yet because you haven’t done or liked what they do you feel like you will never be like your parents and that’s not a bad thing cause you are your own person and you do what you want not what they want.

Doris Day – Calamity Jane

I love a lot of movies this is one of my faves I’ve been sick with a nasty cold this past week and haven’t been able to do much but rest and watch tv and movies and this movie always makes me feel a little better it makes you laugh, sing and cry. I fall in love with it every time I watch it Doris Day is a firecracker of an actress and it’s good old fashion fun.

 

FAST CAR

This remix of fast car by Jonas Blue and Dakota I promise is as good as the original by Tracy Chapman which came out when I was 10 years old. This song is one of my fave songs ever and it has bought back a lot of memories of my childhood and how much music saved my life without it I honestly think I wouldn’t be here today music gets me through tough times, sad times and makes me feel happy when I’m down and extra happy when I’m happy.

As a child I would use music to escape from reality when something was making me angry or upset e.g foster children teasing me or taking my boyfriend from me or someone hurting me in someway etc all I had to do was grab my Walkman tune it to the radio or put a cd in it and off I would go walking around the cane fields with music in my ears I would sometimes walk for hours but not far from home was my fave place to sit and reflect on what was going on or to just try and forget what was hurting me it was a dead tree by a creek surrounded by cane paddocks it was so beautiful the tree would have some bees, birds and butterflies hanging around it I would feel as no matter what was happening to me that something in this world like this tree would give me hope and a will to survive and live my life.

I used music to get me pumped up for exciting things like Birthdays, Christmas, going to friends places to stay. It was another way to escape the trivial times cause these would be the days most people would be nice to me and I would get to go out and have some fun which was often needed.

My most fave way to exercise and get me moving is to dance when I’m happy it makes me feel good. When I was little I wanted to be a ballet dancer my mother put in a ballet class when I was 5 but I didn’t like my teacher my brothers where into break dancing at that time and that’s where my love of moving my body to music really began I have always expressed myself through dance it wasn’t till I became an young adult though that it really changed my life for four years I would go out almost every weekend clubbing at the Playpen and Troppo’s nightclubs in Cairns my home town.  I wasn’t there to drink I was there to dance. My friends and I would start at 9pm and dance till 5am I would dance on the dance floor and on the podiums as soon as the music started I would be the first on the dance floor and we would all do the conga line and the macarena anything that would get the whole club dancing it was a magical time in my life and something I will never forget and another reminder of what is beautiful about being a human being and makes me feel grateful for still being here on this earth and just like in this song “I had a feeling that I belonged I had a feeling I could be someone”.